She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
BRING THE BAGELS
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
