Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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