I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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