I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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