ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
