Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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