The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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