see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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