I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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