thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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