Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
