new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
