Jerry, you need to find god
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
