Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
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I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
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You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize