I just threw up on my dentist
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Are we still banned from the library?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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