Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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