C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
