im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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