I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
