i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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