I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
