I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
