my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
