i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
