she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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