I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize