She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
