It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Randomize
