giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
