Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
