I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
