I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
