I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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