my phone needs a breathalizer
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
