highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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