We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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