Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
