i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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