i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
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thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
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No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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