it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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