Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
