I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
