I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
