I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
