I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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