Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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