I faked an abortion last night.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
