I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
