I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
