am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
