I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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