happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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