The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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