At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
