and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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